A friend of mine was rummaging through the blogosphere, trying to figure out what made for a decent blog. He found polls and lots of references to common happenings; things that matter today to everyone, and things that can be easily read and understood.
According to those guidelines, I’m not sure that my blog’ll ever be read.
But… since it probably will not be, I’ll say woo, and share things I don’t think I would if it were read all the time by millions. So, here’s a list of cool things going on, and some confessions I’ve felt I need to share.
Cool things: My mom’s doing better. She can walk around the house more than she was before, and there’s a lightness in her spirit I’ve not seen for months. Most of that happened this week because…
She heard from a local church where she had applied to work that they were looking for someone to Sign Lay Pastor classes. It seems that there are two young men feeling a calling to be pastors, and they’re wrestling. Not just with that weighty glory, but also with just everyday life stuff. One of the guys had some serious parental-related shake-ups recently, and now that his world’s shifted, well, everything seems harder than it was before.
He is also a young man my mom holds in great affection, and one she’s had the honor to Sign for before. To say she’s stoked would be an understatement, and to say I am thankful that she has something that’s lit a fire under her would be, too.
So, woo. Very, very cool.
Also cool: My bar-none favorite modern female author read a review I did of one her books, and dug it. Her assistant got in contact with me, and passed along an Advanced Readers Copy (ARC) of her next book. I can’t really go into more detail now, but… trust me. It’s a blessing wrapped inside a hug wrapped in an amazing book. There will definitely be more details when I can talk about it more.
Coolness continuing… my brother is doing awesome. Not only is he doing awesome, his awesomeness got noticed. His life skills college will be starting up a new program in the not-so-distant future, with new apartments for the residents who are ready for that step. They want my brother to be one of the first residents to make that leap. Talk about coolness: We’ve gone from not being able to leave my brother alone for more than an hour to him being able to shop for himself and take care of himself on an ongoing basis. That’s a heck of a sign of growth.
Woo. And woo. And yay. Yeah. Just sayin’.
And now, for the confessions, which are supposed to be good for the soul.
The same friend purveying the blogosphere read mine, and had some questions. Seems there are some areas where I am not clear, and I know it. I’ll even admit that the spots where I am weak and my ego threatened are where I tend to shy and defer, so I come off as quiet and confusing.
So... here’s some light.
I’m not sure how to really define what I am addicted to. I’d love to say it was *just* roleplay (RP) or Facebook or the Internet. But it’s all of that and none of it. The backstory there is that I was stupid in college. I got into chatting back when it was colored text on a colored screen with coding for actions. I lost a free ride to college, and didn’t even blink.
Then I got into computers as work, and it covered my really unhealthy thing with social acceptability. From there, I learned about World of Worldcraft (WoW) and Second Life (SL) and… time became very, very relative. I started RPing for hours, lost in the perfection of graphics. There was no sickness, no change, and the stories were as varied as the number of people I met.
Plus, I was beautiful.
I was seen as perfect and witty and wanted.
Back then, I’d’ve sold my soul for a guy to see me that way, and say that in real life. Since there were no real buyers, that soul transaction happened virtually.
All of that drove me into a really, really bad headspace. And what’s really messed up is I didn’t realize how bad it was until, well, bluntly, the restraining order had to be ordered.
I met someone online that, well, I thought was a dream. He was articulate and charming, and I fell like a ton of bricks off a tall building. When it was good, it was magic. When it wasn’t, it was impressive.
I tried to break it off a few different times. The first, I said I didn’t see a future, so he proposed. It was such a grand, romantic gesture, and I loved him, I accepted. It was great – for about a week. Then the fights started again. We’d argue until I couldn’t remember why I disagreed in the first place. Then it’d be Ok for a day or so.
One day in April, I was trying to think of what to give up for Lent. He jokingly said him, and it resonated. Thinking absence makes the heart grow fonder, I asked that he not call or text or IM for 40 days. He made it 3 hours.
It still hurts to think that the person I’d’ve sworn to love, honor, and cherish forever said he would come down to take me back with him. I was so befuddled; I thought not having a choice in the matter was romantic and fantastic (rather than illegal and kidnapping).
So, yeah, that’s why I’m single now.
I still RP a bit, but there’s little joy there anymore. I’m not going to say every face has become my ex’s, but I realized recently I cower when men at church move to hug me. I’d apologize for it, if it didn’t require words and thinking, which I can’t do when I see someone bigger moving towards me.
Am I coward? Possibly. But I’m learning that trust and surrender comes as easy for me as a snake learning to ice-skate.
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