tacos, God, & diamonds

I’ve been a Christian for as long as I can remember. The first place I went as a newborn was from the hospital to my house, and then church that Sunday. Being a Christian wasn’t a choice; it just was.

It’s weird now to realize I have a relationship.

There was this party in a basement Sunday while it rained. A friend, a stranger, and I were nomming tacos and fresh fruit. And somewhere in the middle of a conversation about what makes us different and what makes us the same, I realized I was gushing – about God.

Not a big deal for those Jesus freaks born in Southern states who don’t know any better… but I am not one of those people.

I’ve always prided myself on wrestling with my faith, being one of those rebel Christians who lived a decent life and just happened to go hang out with friends and talk about God on the weekends. And the only thing I’ve not poked at or just flat out disbelieved at some point, was that Jesus loves me. Everything else – from what’s right, what’s wrong, heaven, hell, cussin’, drinking and sex – has been up for debate. Loud, cynical, skeptical debate. It doesn’t matter if I was born on a pew; that’s just where I came from. It’s not where I wanted to stay or how I wanted to be identified.

Until it was.

So back to this moment, when I felt like two people – one who spoke and one who reacted. My friend asked how I became a Christian, and I went through the list: parents went to church, explored in college, found a church after, yadda, yadda. She nodded smoothly, and said, “So recently.” It wasn’t a question, and it caught me off guard.

My decades in the church, my tradition, my pride stung. I’ve been a Christian, my mind stuttered. Born on a pew, hello. Baptized at 4. That’s street, erg, church cred right there.

But all of a sudden this thing I did on the weekends; this thing I ran far, far away from in college; this label I tossed into the back of my self-identity closet looked like a diamond on my ring finger.

I can’t say I don’t know when it happened. Looking back, it was a slow, easy thing, like dawn breaking, but at the time it was a choice, a hard one. Then it was easier choice, until it became a desire. Now, it’s a need.

I can’t explain it, except to say I feel loved. It’s a weird, illogical place to be. But it was worth the harder road.