unable

I sit in my silent frustrations
angry at the world
furious at my ineffectiveness
scorning my fallibility
hating my humanity

I don't understand how You can love me
Or how You can even care

there are times when the only explanation
for my behavior
is that i simply want
You to give up on me
everyone else has
why should You be any different?
how could You be any different?

i play scenes from my life in my head
pondering the stupidity
i see scenes in my life
pondering at the waste of creativity
i plan scenes for my life that will never be
because i lack the power to make them happen

i call them dreams
those scenes that will never be
i have imagination
but lack strength
i have vision
but lack ambition
i have the reasons why i should
but not the passion to want to

i want realized dreams
but won't work towards its substance
i want applause
but won't put in practice
i want admiration
but won't appreciate those who admire me

i sit
venting all my angers and frustrations
to an entity that cannot feel

i sit
yelling and screaming silently
to an audience that cannot hear

i sit
motioning and signing
to a multitude that cannot see

i sit
angry
frustrated
violent
hurting

unable to heal myself
unwilling to let my defenses down
even long enough to let You help me

unable to defend myself
unable to put my sword down
for fear You might win the battle for me

too scared to surrender
too hurt to fight
too angry to forget

too tired to remember

I know that You love me
I know the world never will
I know I don't have to prove myself worthy to You
I know I'll never be able to prove it to the world
I know that You will never leave me
I know the world will never stay, never care

I love You
I fail You so often
You love me
You never do

I sit
in my silent frustrations
angry at the world
furious at my ineffectiveness
scorning my fallibility
hating my humanity

i sit here

unable to understand why You love me
when i am unable to love myself