new year

I am going to lose my job January 20th. I don't have anything solid set up for after, and I'm not sure what's next. I've reached out to some old contacts, and there's a possible position I'm really hoping for. But there's nothing really there. Much possibility, not a lot of plan.

The timing strikes me as funny, just after the new year. It's supposed to be a time of new beginnings, of changing what didn't turn out the way I hoped last year. Of diets and making promises to do better. 

My new year's resolution last year was to be on time. It didn't seem like a big deal when I first had the thought. But it turned into a yearlong struggle. I would get so close to almost making it to meet someone on time, and then a light wouldn't hold, or I'd get distracted. I'd make appointments with the best of intentions, and then find any reason to not follow through.

Around June, I realized that being on time really meant setting aside what I wanted for what I said I would do; it was more than a matter of manners. My actions conveyed (whether I meant it or not) that no one else's time was as valuable or worthy as mine. I knew I could amuse myself, I didn't know if my friends or loved ones really could.


I was just more important to me than anyone else.


There are prettier ways to say it, but pretty truth only looks good on Hallmark cards. 


I was sitting in a beautiful space, and heard the statement made, "Part of the reason your life is the way it is, is because you've been living in sin."


Now, I'm just as passionate about the Bible and Truth and all that fun God-goodness, but really? Who says "living in sin" anymore?! The more I scorned and snorted in my head, the more the phrase stuck, prodding and poking inconveniently.


Talking to God in my car later that week, the phrase came back, and I poked right back at it again with a healthy dose of cynicism. Like Derek Webb said, "what is this, what's the deal? I don't sleep around and I don't steal." Why wasn't that Christian enough? I'm saved, Dude, erg, God. So, "living in sin" doesn't really apply.


'Cause He loves me, He very gently thumped me on the head. And we talked some more.


This is what I figured out. What is sin? Sin is anything that creates space between me and God, or God and me, and my biggest sin is being afraid God honor my heart's desire and basic needs. He won't take care of my family; He'll promise me bread and give me stones. He'll see how damaged and hurt and scared and not-perfect I am... and point and laugh. Then leave.


Or worse, stay, and remember forever what I did. He won't forgive; it won't be the same. Better, really, to stay where I am with what I have, than accept I have nothing and ask for what I really need.


So, really, living in sin means that I live in fear and distrust. I make do with what I have because it's mine, even if it's broken and poorly made. I horde and hide, snarling, biting the hand that feeds.


I don't really live in sin. I hide in it.


So, what does not doing that anymore look like?


It's not like me to not have a plan, or at the very least, a hole in my gut from worrying about my lack of plan. But last year, learning to live on a different timetable changed my perspective.


Now, there's a plan. I don't know what it is, or where it leads. But it's not my plan. He promised me a future and a hope; to keep me from causing harm - to myself and others.


This year's resolution is more of a mantra I keep repeating: more of You, less of me. It means a lot less trusting the familiar, and more of the accepting I'm unsure. It means not being safe and comfortable, but also accepting God's bigger than I keep thinking.


It's a new beginning.