MER & Missing Teeth

I had a dentist appointment this week, and left with three teeth fewer than I went in with. I also cried in the chair, feeling pinned and powerless as some gentle man assured me the pain was for my good. He pulled my cheeks, positioned my head the way he preferred and kept putting more things in my mouth than I could hold comfortably. All I could think was, ‘God. How many times do I have to tell someone what happened to me before I can just be normal?’

I used to have absolutely no empathy for survivors of any kind of abuse that didn’t seem able to talk about anything else. Now, I am one. It’s healthier on this side, I think, but one question remains the same – before and after: What’s the next step? Do I keep talking? Is of that any benefit?

Obviously just talking about anything doesn’t fix anything. (If it did, politicians would be heroes.) But everything needs a starting point, too. I know me, I’m not ambitious enough to start a non-profit to help stop sexual abuse, and there are enough good programs out there now that it’d feel more like an ego trip than anything else. But still, the idea remains there has to be more to do.

I happened to overhear Dr. Phil on TV recently (he comes on after a local morning program I dig), and he recommended what he calls the Minimal Effective Response (MER). According to his website, “Your MER is the least thing that you can do that allows you to get emotional closure. The concept of MER seeks to satisfy your need for resolution without creating a whole new set of problems. It aims to conserve your resources.”

After establishing a personal MER, the site recommends these four questions be considered:

1. What action can you take to resolve this pain?

2. If you were successful and achieved this action, how would you feel?

3. Does the feeling you will have match the feeling you want to have?

4. Remember the word "minimal": Could there be some other, more emotionally or behaviorally economical action that would give you the emotional resolve you want to feel?

Ironically, the story posted after the questions echoes eerily similar to mine. A woman was sexually abused starting when she was 12 (mine was far over by then), and her father passed recently. Her MER was to find “friends” of her father and tell them off.

Thank God, that’s not something I have to do, or need to do. I’m not sure what my MER is right now. There’s not a definitive action I can take to resolve this pain; there’s just… not. He’s dead, it was 20 years ago; I’m not that person; his widow doesn’t deserve to be maligned because my father happened to be one incredibly sick person when he was with me.

If I were successful and achieved whatever action it was that would resolve this pain, how would I feel? Relieved. Healthier. More able to help others. Able to move more smoothly on with my life. Less scared.

Does the feeling I will have match the feeling I want to have? YES! (That was the one easy question!)

Could there be some other, more emotionally or behaviorally economical actions that would give me the emotional resolve I want to feel? Probably – but that would require knowing the answer to the first question first, and I really, really don’t.

So… for now, I wait for my mouth to recover from the trip to the dentist, talk to God about what’s going on in my head… and keep an eye open for what my MER may look like.