bullying versus encouraging

There's a conversation happening in the interwebs about gender identity and the validity of being gender fluid or creative. It was sparked by a simple statement:

I refuse to be my child's first bully.

It's a noble idea, to intentionally speak kindness rather than expectation without relationship in any situation; especially when social norms, most of the interwebs and one's culture respond harshly. Self identification, gender identification, sexual preference all present large, important topics which need to be held with open hands. And from the outside looking it, what is appropriate and healthy appears obvious.

That noble idea when dealing with one's child, however, becomes murkier and harder to spot, let alone defend against when dealing with adults.

Or seen in a light differently, how does an adult appropriately respond when being bullied by another adult in a position of power? A boss, for instance, or a friend? 

Fact is bullying destroys another human being, and should be spoken against. But how do we change the behavior children have learned from their elders? How do we respond to bullying masquerading as encouragement?

"It's ok if you come out of the closet, sweetie; you just can't live here anymore." - a parent

"If I had to pick one of your weaknesses, it's you're a pushover." - a friend

"Take out your notepad. Write down this process. Write #1. Make a dot. When we finish, type up the notes and email them to me. And print a copy for your records." - a boss

As a child, I was told to avoid bullies who sought me out, to look out for those who were bullied. And I applaud my mom, the tribe who showed me a path through the thorns of childhood for ingraining that idea into me. But one of the implications supporting the idea all opinions are worth expressing adduces those expressions have been weighed, measured, each word and intent considered before it is shared.

Instead, we withhold our words as if they are more precious to us than they are to others who need them. And the world is a lesser place for our cowardice.

I confess in my past I have been a bully. I thought I was encouraging change; I honestly didn't see how what I presented did not reflect my intent.

I wrestle with the old, familiar causes of that behavior still.

Owning that truth makes intuitively knowing how to appropriately respond to another bully challenging. I know where my head when I was in that place, and it wasn't open to a conversation about why I wanted something for selfish, fear-filled reasons. Conversely, I know where my head is now - in a body being bullied. Which hurts, making me feel angry, trapped, and unempowered.

The initial reaction to bullies is avoidance, basic animal instinct of fight-or-flight. Avoidance at all costs - however difficult it makes the life of the avoider/victim - makes it a version of victim-shaming. That, in turn, can be seen as acceptance, if not approval, of the bully.

Which is a very human response.

The most appropriate option may be the hardest: find a space to discuss the behavior and reactions with the person. Own beautiful, imperfect-and-learning humanity lives on both sides without encouraging or condoning. Forgive equally. Hope for change, accept mistakes.

We humans, caught in bodies fitting-and-not, living in a world changing-but-familar, bully when we could encourage. Because no matter how much we may all wish not to be our first child's bully, they are here, among us. And until all fear is gone, our greatest power lies in authentically encouraging each other to find better paths.