Thursday, March 5, 2015

choice, fear, & something better

Old fears have to be my absolute least favorite. They sound like trusted friends, even as they steal bites from my ability to be present. One of my personally least favorite fears seeded from my tween years. I can name it, see it, but still, its teeth take more hope than I have some days.

God is subjectively good. And wants only His version of good for you, whether you want it or not.

This wouldn't be nearly so paralyzing if it weren't quite so insidious. 

The base logic behind the thought starts with whether or not there is a God. (Which I can't explain or debate how I know there is, but something in me resonates with the idea there is. And He loves me. But that's another post for another time.) 

Then there's the idea that God is good. This is usually when I get tangled, and my world darkens as I pick at the mental Gordian knot.  The Bible clearly states (repeatedly) God is good and loves me; all of His choices bear out from love. If I believe in God and He loves me, wouldn't it be selfish to think God is good because He loves me? But that's the circular argument presented. And it bothers me because I can't figure out how it's acceptable to accept that.

Building on the idea God exists, loves me, given He is God with the whole speaking-things-into-existence thing, I don't have a lot of wiggle room - not being a god myself. (Being a blogger is my superpower; not so much being She-Thor.) I can accept this usually, not always graciously, and sometimes, it makes me angry and sad when I can't change things I really wish I could. All that said, the role given doesn't change, and only I can control my reaction.

Which is far too logical when dealing with a fear. And this is where this particular fear shows the maliciousness at its core.

Because I've just said I accept I am not only not the center of my universe; that there is a Someone greater, who creates worlds with a word; I've also admitted there's not a damn thing I can do against such a Power.

So He could choose whatever version of good He prefers - and I would have to accept it. Because it would become reality - as soon as He said it.

Which leaves me few options - other than the choice in how to respond.

But one of the lessons I've learned recently speaks directly to this fear: each choice matters - the big, the small, what's said, what's not, what's left in, what we leave out.

Choice is power. Not seeing it as such costs significant opportunity.

Stealing power and choice defines fear, not love. Love gives choices, dignity, offers opportunities. And if God is love, speaks love, seeks to show love, imposing His will over another's choice just because He can runs counter to that goal; frankly, that choice doesn't show love.

It shows a hollowing need, a lust for power. And I'd prefer to choose something better.

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